To the people I’ve hurt while I was hurting
As human beings we have all been hurt, but does that give us the right to hurt others? Ironically we end up hurting the ones who love us because we are in pain. I’m unsure why this happens but in the end we just end up hurting ourselves even more. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and with age comes wisdom. Everyone has dirty laundry and it's time I do some of mine. To all I’ve pushed away, taken for granted, rejected, or hurt in any way.. I am sorry.
Pain can be felt due to any reason, and if we’re going through pain why must we subject those around us to what we feel? It’s not malicious, I never intended to hurt those around me when I was hurting. I was at war with myself and sadly many I loved became casualties. I never intended to damage anyone while I was broken; this missive is my sorry.
To my Mum. I love you.. You made sure you loved me even when I didn’t love myself. When I was bullied at school you were there for me, when I didn’t quite fit in with all the kids growing up, when I wasn’t good at sports, and when all I wanted to do was hide you were there. Yet as I grew older I didn’t understand myself. I was confused as a child and I find that I still am that wandering little kid. I wasn’t the easiest to love, a lot of my younger years were spent in a hospital, especially with the meningitis. Though those were some of my happiest times. Growing up and creating myself I have found that I’ve hurt you maybe more than anyone. In a way I have taken away from you what you have always wanted. I love you and I’m sorry. Still you haven’t given up. You see my true colours, you are my rainbow.
To my Gran and Grandad. There is nothing better than a Gran and Grandad. There is nothing comparable to you. There is so much of you in me and I’m sorry for the pain that has brought you. I’m sorry for the blame placed upon you because I am me. You were there through all the phases I went through. You were there through it all, as I hid alone in my room myself thinking that I was going to be alone forever. You were there. I’m sorry for not validating that and being selfish. I’m sorry when really all you’ve ever done is help me. I’m sorry for being in the winter of my life and denying your sunshine. Its spring now, I promise I am getting warmer.
To my brother. I’m sorry for holding a grudge. I’m sorry I haven’t gotten over how things have ended up between us. I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I’m sorry for what you have to hear about me and see about me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the sibling you thought you were going to have. I’m sorry I’m so fucking weird. I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry for acting like we’re not brothers. I’m sorry for the brother I have taken from you. I’m sorry for the holidays I’ve ruined because I didn’t feel like family. I’m sorry for not supporting you. I'm sorry for not caring.
To my dad. You are my hero. I’m sorry that I don’t see you anymore. But when I look in the mirror all I see is you. I’m sorry for what I have turned into and the failure I have become. I'm sorry that I was never good enough for you. I’m sorry that I take after you and leave claw marks on anyone I’ve let go. Most of all, I’m sorry that I can't say sorry to you in person because you are no longer here.
To my old friends. I am a selfish person. I did appreciate you all and I do miss you at times. You may not have given me the friendships I needed but you gave me the friendships you had and I am sorry for thinking it wasn’t good enough. I am sorry for not understanding that you can’t be there for me all the time. I am sorry that we will never see the true potential each other will grow into. I’m sorry we won’t be able to look at each other across the table at a wedding rehearsal or baby shower. I’m sorry that friends forever is just a lie young people say not knowing that time changes everything. I am sorry for making you feel like your friendship was not enough. I miss you all sometimes. I wish you all the best.
And last but not least. To the most important person in my life. My Beautiful Beautiful Angel. You are love. I rejected you and I hurt you beyond anything I could ever imagine. I’m sorry for making you feel bad about yourself. I'm sorry for making you feel the worst you have ever felt in your life. I’m sorry for not answering your texts, phone calls and ignoring you when you tried so many times to make things better between us. I'm sorry for not fighting for our relationship the way you fought for it. I'm sorry for not sitting down and listening to you when you tried so hard. You stood by me for so long until I finally broke you. And I will always hate myself for doing that to you. I’m sorry for not wanting your love. I’m sorry for not knowing how to love. I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry for being a terrible boyfriend. I’m sorry for lying. I'm sorry for being abusive. Although not physically, verbally can be just as bad and it is totally unacceptable. It does not matter what turmoil I was going through in my life. It does not condone the way I treated you. If you truly love someone you do not treat them like that. But I did love you and I am sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away when all you wanted to do was love me. I'm sorry for ruining the beautiful thing we had. I'm sorry for not taking your feelings into consideration and seeing that you were hurting too. More than me. But only caring about myself. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself for the way I treated you. I will never forgive myself. I know I will never ever see you again for as long as we both shall live. And why should I be allowed? I do not deserve for you to even acknowledge my existence anymore. I am not worthy of being in your presence ever again. I would never be able to look at you again because of the shame I feel for the heartache I caused you. All I want is for you to be happy. I know you have moved on with your life now. And as much as it pains me. It is the least I deserve. What is paramount to me is your happiness. And you are happy now. I wish you both all the very best. He is the luckiest man in the world to have you. I will always love you. I will always be your Superman. You are the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. You were the best thing that has ever happened in my life. And I love you with all my being. I am sorry for everything. Be happy.
In closing, once again I just want to say to each and every one of you. I am sorry. I have a long road ahead of me. I know it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a long hard road. I have now started the process of getting the help I require. Perhaps if I had done this a few months ago, or even years ago I could have saved the most important relationship I have now lost. I am now getting professional help at least 3 times a week. I am starting the healing process. I will recover the best I can and I will reinvent myself. I’ve pushed so many people away. I’ve shut so many out so I could be alone and go out of control. I have lost everything. My job. My flat. "The most important person in my life". And I have nobody to blame but myself. I take full responsibility. This is entirely down to me. This is no one else's fault but my own. I don't want anyone's sympathy. My pain and suffering is justified. I’ve hurt many along the way because I was hurting. I was a warpath. I was a monster. I was on total self-destruct. I’m not good with apologies. I don't expect any of you to accept it. All I can say is weakness shouldn’t have caused any of you pain.
I am sorry.